So, you wanna be a glamstar? Assuming you do, some of your idols might include such blonde bombshells as Vince Neil, Michael Monroe, and Bret Michaels; good for you! Now, let's see what glamourous tips Andy has in store for you. She'll have you lookin' like an 80's primadonna in no time!
- It's all about the looks, not the music. Remember this. Hair metal wasn't about good music; it was about looking good. Memorize this motto: "It's all about the looks."
- When in need of a band member, hire the best-looking guy. Who cares if he's a bad bassist or dreadful drummer; hire 'im anyway! Do not forget: It's all about the looks.
- As I said before, music doesn't matter; your looks do. Don't forget about that macho attitude! Even though you look like a girl, you gotta remain tough.
- You're a glamstar, right? Drop the modesty and honesty! You're in the music business for the paycheck, the party, and the pussy. Remember the three crucial P's of glam- and hair-metal.
- This is the best part of glamour! The looks. First off, remember that only one of you can have blonde hair; preferably the frontman. Also, size does matter! Your hair must be big and trashy. Ever wondered why Mick Mars never got the attention he deserved? Well, the answer is simple: his 'do just wasn't big enough.
- The rest of your band should have black hair. After all, they are your cohorts! They work for you now. If you quit, they'll be ruined. If they aren't, they will be; look what happened to the Crüe during the 90's!
- Make-up. Make-up is the key. (Aside from hairspray and a good comb.) You must end up looking like a 1989 Kristy Majors. (If you end up looing like Boy George instead, consider switching careers.)
- Your clothes must be very colorful. You musn't overload on the "girl" style - drag queen is what you're aiming at. Very, very, very tight leather trousers (black or red; if you can get a combination of both, great!) or either Spandex. (Leopard-print or explosion-at-the-paint-factory.)
- As for shoes, you have three choices: platform boots - not the strappy kind, the high-heeled kind; Chuck Taylors - plain red, preferably; or Nike tennis shoes - dirty and white. Cowboy boots will do if you're aiming for the Andy McCoy or Joe Elliott look.
- For hair accessories, you must use bandannas. No hair clips, headbands, etc. - because even though they seem very girly and would fit the image, don't. Cowboy hats are acceptable, as well as backwards caps. (Think Axl Rose, not Fred Durst.) Or, if you're the adventurous type, try a different sort of hat. (See: Slash, Steve Summers.)
- Tacky is the keyword! If it seems tacky today, it was okay back then. Do it. (A major example would be leopard-print.)
- As much as you may love 'im, Bon Jovi was never part of the hair-metal scene. He looks like a Gap employee; just don't veer into that direction. Like Dokken, nobody really likes him - unlike normal people, teenage girls seem to find them fascinating. (Which is a myth in itself.)
- Remember, you are a Sex God! People love your looks. Never wear a t-shirt; always wear a very open shirt, or no shirt. You must show off your hairless chest! (If you have hair on your chest, reconsider your career. To this day, I doubt there is anyone who actually is turned on by watching someone like Paul Stanley onstage.)
- Cheap alcohol is the key in photos! Remember to always have a bottle handy - empty or full - for when the bulbs start poppin'.
- Tattoos are a must. Nevermind piercings, that's too 70's; tattoos are in! Some essential tattoo designs: skulls, snakes, and fire: even though this is very Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden, get 'em; a complicated design or something that you can't really decipher: because this is just cool; and, if you're the frontman, you must have your band's logo tattooed on you somewhere.
- If you can't play your instruments, don't worry. Good vocals are what matter!
- Your guitar riffs must be trashy. Rip fellow bands off; no one can tell the difference, anyway. And play high. Very high. Anything below the 12th fret will not do. (Do not use wah-wah pedals; you don't wanna look like Jimi Hendrix, now do ya?)
- Look creative; you don't have to invent a new guitar, (see: Michael Angelo, the Double-V-Neck guitar, and the Quad Guitar X-400) a simple move such as dangling a pretty necklace from the headstock of your guitar will do.
- If you're using a capo (which you shouldn't be, since it doesn't follow the rules of quick-as-fuck song writing) cover it up with a bandanna.
- Your vocals must be at least four octaves. If you're as talented as Jim Gillette, you won't get the media's attention; they'll be too afraid to come anywhere near you. (Especially with a camera.)
- You don't have to be Jimmy Page on the guitar! Your songs cannot be beautifully orchestred or composed; throw some shit together whilst in a drug-induced haze, and voilà, you've got a song.
- Lyrics? Easy. A sense of poetic license isn't required in writing hair-metal lyrics; anything about girls, sex, drinking, drugs, and all-around nightly fun is good. Possibly one or two heartbreak/love pieces.
- Your drummer has to be loud; possibly even fast. But it doesn't matter if he can play or not - as long as he has force, agility, and of course, the ability to spin drumsticks. (Such as Matt Sorum or Tommy Lee.)
- Your band name must be misspelled. For example, a 'z' instead of an 's' (Tigertailz, Cadillac Bratz); a plain 'k' instead of 'ck' (Slik Toxic, Kik Tracee); and an 'x' instead of 'cks' (Trixter, Kix). If it looks classier, make it a double 'x'! (Roxx Regime, Diamond Rexx.)
- You must have stage names. They must be strange (CC DeVille, Nasty Suicide) or girly. (Kari Kane, Vivian Campbell.) If you plan on using your real name, make sure it's glamourized. (Vince Neil Wharton became Vince Neil. Simple!)
- If you have trouble finding a good name for your band, don't worry! Anything will do. Just look at Rhino Bucket!
- Your onstage theatrics must be brilliant. If you suck, this can be made up with lasers, pyros, the lot! Maybe even a hint of Alice Cooper, if you're adventurous. (Guillotines, anyone?)
And there ends the basics of glam- and hair-metal! Just do the interviews, play the shows, and, most importantly, look good. Hair-metal is all about good looks, nothing more. (Well, there's music involved there, somewhere.) But never, ever - even if all else fails - forget the three crucial P's (paycheck, party, pussy) or your glam motto: "It's all about the looks."
Yours truly, Andy.